


Breathing's Easier Underwater

by a-nastywoman (kosm)



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:34:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26291941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosm/pseuds/a-nastywoman
Summary: You hadn't had an episode this bad in a while but the most important thing was that Cordelia couldn't know.
Relationships: Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode/Reader, Misty Day/Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 29





	Breathing's Easier Underwater

It had been nearly a week since Cordelia had left for an educational conference halfway across the states. After introducing Miss Robichaux’s Academy to the world Cordelia had been inundated with requests from speaker series all over the country. 

You were unbelievably proud of your Supreme, you had come to the school at the height of all of the hustle. It was a miracle really that the two of you had the time to connect in the way you did but Cordelia never missed an opportunity to spend time together, and neither did you. 

Your relationship took off incredibly fast, it had been months of happiness and good memories. Despite all of that you hadn’t been feeling like yourself for weeks, trying your hardest to maintain some facade of happiness and calm. 

It had put a strain on the relationship. Cordelia could always tell when you weren’t being honest but there was only so much that she could do to try to get you to open up to her. Inadvertently you had begun to pull away from her, spending more time alone, being less affectionate, and acting as if nothing was wrong. 

Before Cordelia left for the conference you knew that things had changed, she had left without saying goodbye and you didn’t make any effort to stop her or reach out in the time since then. 

Some part of you wondered if she would even want to be with you anymore when she came back, you didn’t want to lose her but every piece of you was screaming to be alone and isolate yourself. 

It wasn’t the first time this had happened, whenever your mental illness took a hold of you relationships tended to crumble. It was too hard to maintain a mask in front of people and more often than not those people gave up trying to reach you eventually. 

You hoped that Cordelia would be different than that but you didn’t want to put too much stock in things, getting your hopes up would only lead to more disappointment. 

It was halfway through the week and you hadn’t moved an inch from your bed since the week had started. After Cordelia left you had taken your things and returned to your old room. You couldn’t bring yourself to be in her space all alone.

You hadn’t left the dirty sheets of your bed at all, not to eat or bathe or care for the mess your room had become. It was almost easier to lay there through it all and do nothing, doing something only meant you had to care enough to try. 

Occasionally Misty would pop in to check on you but after trying to speak to you and receiving nothing but a blank face and a continued silent stare at the wall she left. 

Your phone laid on the bedside table and you ignored the steady vibrations of missed texts and calls coming in over and over again. It was likely Cordelia trying to check on you but you couldn’t bring yourself to move enough to try and respond. 

Staring at the wall in front of you, you watched as the dust motes floated in the little light your closed curtains let in. The room had become dark and dingy in a short period of time, your negative energy completely changing the once positive emotions filling the room. 

Time passed and you weren’t so sure how long you had been laying in bed, the only thing you noticed was that your body was incredibly weak and you had days worth of missed medication sitting on the bed beside you. 

You hadn’t had a spiral this bad in a while, since moving to the Academy most of the negative things in your life had left. Moving freed you from a host of toxic relationships and memories you didn’t want to hold onto. 

Seeing Cordelia and being with her had uplifted you into a state of positivity, you didn’t think that it would crash down on you this hard. You wondered how long you had been depressed before this moment, this meltdown, sometimes it was impossible to tell and you didn’t know until it was much too late to take care of it. 

You were snapped back into the moment as the door to your room creaked open. The smell of a freshly cooked breakfast wafted into the room and you could barely stop yourself from gagging out loud, your stomach churning at the thought of eating anything. 

The sounds of Fleetwood Mac being hummed into the dusty air alerted you to the visitor being Misty, likely coming by to try and check in on you again.

You wondered if she had been texting Cordelia about how you were acting. Hoping that she hadn’t, you would rather slap a smile on and lie for a million days than show Cordelia how bad you had gotten. 

Misty was one other positive of coming to the Academy, both of you bonded quickly and you found a good friend in her. 

“Morning Y/N, I scrambled up some breakfast for us. Want some?” Misty sat down on the bed beside you, setting the tray full of food off to the side. She reached out to try to pull the blankets down from your shoulder but you flinched away from her. 

Your eyes blinked fast and breath stuttered out at the shocked look on her face, tension filled your body at the thought of someone touching you and you drew your knees up to your chest. Anything that you could do to hide and make yourself safe. 

“What’s going on sugar?” You didn’t respond but only tightened your hands more onto your knees, digging your face down and hiding from view. 

Misty kept trying to dig information out of you, it didn’t even occur to you to feel bad for worrying her. You just wanted to be left alone again so you could go back to whatever dissociative state you were in. 

“Okay fine, I didn’t want to have to do this but you’re not leaving me any other option Y/N.” Misty stood up and walked away, shutting the door behind her. 

You didn’t even think to be concerned, her words had rolled right over you like a small wave in an ocean of crashing sounds. 

— 

Out in the hallway, Misty looked worriedly back at your door, leaning against the wall she pulled her phone out. The dial tone only rang once before it was picked up. 

“Misty! What the hell is going on with Y/N. She isn’t answering my calls, is she okay? Where is she?” Cordelia’s stressed voice leaked through the phone, it wasn’t often anymore that she got as frantic as she sounded now. 

The supremacy had brought a new confidence to her previously timid demeanour and without the threat of witch hunters, voodoo queens, and the witch on witch murder she had otherwise calmed in the face of all the new challenges she dealt with as Supreme.

In between how busy Cordelia had been with the conference and expanding the Academy, she had hoped that giving you space this week would make you feel comfortable enough to talk to her about whatever was going on.

It wasn’t too late into her trip, after another sleepless night without you, that she realized that all of your actions were a poor attempt at isolating yourself.

She had never been there for any of your bad moments before since there hadn’t been any, but she would fight tooth and nail to be there for this one and any more that came after it. 

“I think you need to come home Ms. Cordelia, she’s not looking so good.” Misty trotted down the stairs of the Academy, motioning the other girls over to her as she spoke with Cordelia on the phone. 

Cordelia spoke quickly with Misty, giving her directions and planning out the next day so that she could get to you as quickly as possible. She was the Supreme after all and she could do whatever she wanted, and what she wanted right now was to be there for you, and nothing would stop her. 

— 

Hours and minutes seemed to slip away from you as you laid in your bed with no concept of day or time. You transitioned rapidly between having no thoughts at all and being unable to stop thinking about everything going wrong. 

You dreaded the moment that Cordelia would come back, the anxiety in your chest screaming at you that she would end things if she saw you like this. She was an accomplished, professional, and put together woman and she didn’t need somebody like you dragging her down. 

It was often that you forgot how much she had went through in her life and how well suited she would be to caring for you. The mental and emotional abuse Cordelia had faced from her mother resulted in her own battles with depression in the past.

But those thoughts didn’t cross your mind now as you thought that maybe if she did end things you could leave the academy. It would be too much to bear, the thought of still being here every day and having to see her beautiful face. 

Everything about Cordelia filled you with love and warmth but you were already starting to accept what was, in your mind, the inevitable. Waves of panic started to course through you at the thought. 

Your body tensed and gasping breaths started ripping from your chest, you couldn’t slow down for even a second to breathe. 

Thoughts of every good memory you had with Cordelia started racing through your mind, how happy she made you, and how much you didn’t want to lose her. But more than anything you didn’t want to tell her about your mental illness.

A life without her seemed unthinkable but a life where you were open about your struggles with depression also seemed impossible to you. Your whole life had been filled with less than kind people, you always took care of others and never really put yourself first and if you tried it had never ended well.

So how could you ask Cordelia to be there for you when she had to be there for the entire coven? 

The room around you started to fade in and out as spots filled your vision, it didn’t even occur to you that you had been hyperventilating for minutes. The lack of oxygen making your head fuzzy and all the numbness that built up to this point seemed to be exploding out of you. 

You stumbled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, legs weak and shaking as you collapsed down to the floor. The cool tile pressed against your legs as you curled yourself up into a ball in the dark windowless room.

You rocked back and forth frantically, gasping breaths leaving your mouth as a million negative thoughts coursed through your mind. Grasping strands of your dirty hair desperately in your hands you tugged harshly, the sensation halting your thoughts just a little. 

In the haze, you had worked yourself into you didn’t even hear the bedroom door opening and Cordelia’s loving voice echoing through the room. 

As Cordelia walked in her concern mounted, Misty had told her that you hadn’t left your room and she had expected to walk into you sleeping or laying in bed. What she walked in on instead was a mess of chaos, your sheets were thrown back, dirty clothes laying on the floor, and broken dishes on the ground. 

Stepping forward determinedly she heard a thudding noise coming from the bathroom and shot forward towards it. Pulling the door open quietly she flicked the light on and heard you gasp out as the bright light burned across your retinas, after sitting in the dark for nearly a week you could barely handle the dim bulb. 

All you noticed was the blinding light and you continued to rock back and forth, thudding your head against the wall as your hands pulled on tufts of hair and tugged. 

A shock ran through you as you felt warm hands tangle themselves in with yours, calmly and slowly trying to pull your fingers out from your hair. You resisted and tensed your arms, not wanting to give up the one thing that was making everything seem just the slightest bit better. 

Through the fog of anxiety and pure panic you thought you heard soft words mumbled to you but you couldn’t figure out what they were saying, it sounded like a broken radio with words peeking in only every once in a while. 

“Y/N sweetheart please let go, can I hold your hands instead?” Cordelia tried her hardest to resist pulling you into her arms and holding you close, every time she reached out to touch you flinched away liked the contact was causing you physical pain. 

Her main concern right now was stopping you from harming yourself, anything else could come second. She continued to talk soothingly, asking permission to touch you as she sat down across from you and held her hands flat on the ground and within eyesight. 

Your breath stuttered out of you as you noticed delicate hands resting on the tiles by your feet, your eyes traced the veins in the hands and the well-manicured nails.

Some part of you beyond all of the panic recognized that they belonged to Cordelia and your entire body froze, all breathing stopped, and you slowly started to uncurl your body. 

You couldn’t let her see you like this. 

“I’m okay Delia, can you leave please?” A blank smile took over your face as you pushed all of the panic deep down inside of you.

Unable to meet her eyes you looked instead at her nose and tried your hardest to appear like a normal person at that moment. The most important thing right now was getting her out of the room so she wouldn’t have to see you having a meltdown, you could handle it yourself. 

“No you aren’t sweetie, people who are okay don’t act like this.” Her soft voice was filled with concern and love, there wasn’t an ounce of judgement on her face but yet you still felt ashamed of yourself. 

“I’m really fine Cordelia, it’s nothing honestly! I just need to get some more sleep that’s all.” Pulling your shaking legs, you stood carefully and smiled down at Cordelia. 

Walking out of the room and trying your hardest not to make eye contact, you laid down on the bed and looked away from her figure as it followed you over. 

“You aren’t fine Y/N, please don’t try to lie to me anymore. Did you think that I wouldn’t notice how you’ve been acting this past month?” 

Her words caused your lip to tremble and tears to build in your eyes. You shoved your face deep into your pillow and held your breath as tears slowly slid down your face. 

You couldn’t bring yourself to respond to her words, being called out so blatantly just reminded you of how horrible you had been and how much you just wanted it all to end. 

Grasping the blankets tightly in your hand you tried to muffle the hiccups dropping out of your chest as best you could. 

Obviously you didn’t succeed as Cordelia sat down beside you and laid her hand gently on your back. 

As she rubbed up and down the tenderness of her actions caused you to start sobbing, all of the pent up emotion bursting out of you. It wasn’t exactly common for somebody to be so kind to you when you were acting like this, and you feared what Cordelia would do more than anything. 

It seemed that fear was unfounded though as she laid down beside you in bed, her hand still rubbing soothing circles, and pulled you closer to her. You didn’t have the heart to resist as she pulled you into her frame, arms wrapped around your waist and her head resting near yours. 

“It’s breaking my heart to see you like this sweetheart,” she dropped a kiss onto your temple and nudged her nose gently against your neck, nuzzling in and holding you like it was her last chance. 

“I’m sorry Delia, I didn’t mean for it to get this bad,” it felt like ripping out nails, admitting that you weren’t okay. Admitting it made it real for you and her and it meant that something had to be done, you couldn’t live in denial any more. 

She held you tighter to her chest as the sobs kept coming, humming and cooing and kissing you lightly she used every soothing gesture she could think of to bring you some sort of comfort. 

Cordelia didn’t push any further, knowing that you needed to let out whatever had been building inside of you and as you cried in her arms she couldn’t help but feel happy that she could hold you through this.

— 

Hours later your swollen eyes cracked open and you looked around the dark room, daylight had fallen away and you could hear frogs croaking through the open windows. 

Cordelia’s breath was steady behind you as she held you in her arms, as you stirred she took in a breath and burrowed her face in your neck. Laying a delicate kiss between the junction of your neck and shoulder. 

“How are you feeling now darling?” Her words were quiet, barely making a drop of sound in the noise that the evening brought. 

Her words made you realize that she had stayed, she hadn’t left or yelled or demanded answers. Cordelia had just held you close and gave you the space to release the negativity pent up inside. 

Turning in her arms you buried your face in her chest, tightly winding your arms around her waist and squeezing her desperately to you. 

“Better now, thanks to you.” A gentle laugh fell from her glistening lips and you couldn’t help yourself as you tilted your head up for a kiss. 

Cordelia held your cheek in one hand as she leaned over just the slightest bit to kiss you, her lips dewy and soft as they caressed your own. Her tongue swiped at your lower lip, asking for permission that you willingly gave, her tongue curled into yours as she held you tighter. 

“Want to tell me what happened?” She broke the kiss with a happy sigh, forehead resting against your own and a smile on her face. 

You felt so thankful that she was here with you now, though your depression didn’t magically disappear with her presence you felt somewhat lighter knowing that it was okay to let the negativity out around her. 

“I had to switch my anti-depressants last month, the old ones weren’t working so well anymore. I guess I spiralled a little.” A little might have been an understatement and you both knew it but she didn’t say anything and just nodded along. 

“I didn’t know how to tell you, I thought maybe that it would be too much to have someone like me around being a burden when you have to take care of the whole coven.”

A frown marred Cordelia’s face as she looked on, you could see the sadness and worry in her eyes. You hadn’t even told her that you had a depressive disorder or that you were on medication, it was easy to hide when she was out and working most times of the day. 

“You don’t ever have to hide something like that from me, darling,” her hands cupped your face gently as she stared into your eyes.

“I want to be there for you for the good and the bad. The coven is my responsibility but you are my love and you are never a burden.” 

Cordelia pressed a kiss to your forehead, another to your nose, and one on each cheek before she kissed your lips. A gentle and delicate touch that made you feel like you were incredibly precious. 

“You mean the world to me Y/N and no matter what happens I will be there for you if you’d let me.” 

You almost couldn’t believe the words coming from her mouth but you felt a little flicker of hope. Maybe she did want to be there for you and maybe she wouldn’t leave at the first sign of trouble. Her actions today showed that. 

“I love you so much Delia,” resting your forehead against hers, you closed your eyes and revelled in the feeling of warmth that Cordelia brought into your life. 

“I love you too darling.” With her hands holding you tight she brought you close, dropping kisses on every inch of you that she could reach. 

A laugh escaped as she kept going, her lips tickling the sensitive skin of your neck and then your collarbone and so on. 

As you laughed along to her teasing kisses you knew that everything would be okay and that you had Cordelia, always, even when at your worst.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @a-nastywoman


End file.
